I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
