I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
