I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
