I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
