just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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