I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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