ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
