You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
