When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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