Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
