I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
