you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
