Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
