I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
