update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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