He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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