A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
