I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
