How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
