Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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