Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
