apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
