All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
