How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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