All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
