i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I enjoy the company of your penis
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
