Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize