ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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