FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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