just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
