We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize