a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
