1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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