omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
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