If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
