I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
