This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
