What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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