She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize