WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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