I can text with my tongue
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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