I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
