I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
