she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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