you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
