I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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