you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Your cock deserves a montage
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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