Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
