seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
