I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
