The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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