i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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