Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
