three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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