My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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